Recently, I read a post on the Matt Walsh Blog titled “dear single dudes: it’s time to man up.” There were some great points. But I would like to express a quieter side of some issues and say, “women, you need to man up too.”
Matt Walsh pointed out the lack of commitment men have for a relationship. I think some men do lack commitment. But recently I have seen a lot of women can really lack commitment in a relationship.
But of course, not all women lack commitment, neither do all men.
A few months ago my friend recently told me about his divorce.
“After a few years of marriage, my wife discovered that we didn’t have many things in common. She started to build an emotional relationship with another man and then she eventually had sex with this other man.”
When my friend was about to remarry, he was contacted by his ex-wife. She begged him to take her back. Apparently her “love affair” didn’t pan out. The reason? Again, the woman didn’t realize how “different” her and her new love affair really were. Someone she thought she really connected with, turned out to be different too.
To these women, let me be the one to say, your right, your husband is different from you. Men have different interests, talents, and abilities and it goes far beyond “interests,” but is deeply rooted in biology and even evolutionary adaptation.1
A married woman who starts to build an emotional relationship with someone because she felt her spouse was different or “incompatible,” appears to happen more often than it should. Sometimes it starts with texting, chatting or flirting with other men through Facebook or phone apps. Whatever the medium, it is dishonest and unhealthy.
Of course, not all women are like this. I am just sticking up for those faithful and unlucky men that get a lot of the heat for relationship issues. Some statistics even show that women file over 80% of divorces.2 Face value tells us that men are pigs right?
When I hear women describe their perfect man, it goes beyond the tall and handsome, to the sensitive and sweet. They would like their man to have the same taste in movies too. They want them organized and neat. They want someone who can really listen, sometimes for hours. They appear to want someone that is so focused and honed into the conversation that nothing slips by. They also don’t want their man to be a “typical” guy so focused on sex.
Well, the problem is, the description above is more like a woman.
Men and women’s brains are not wired the same way. Women have more connections from the limbic system (emotional, pre-rational part of the brain) to the frontal lobes. See article here. Men are not be as sensitive as you. They are not wired to be. Men often need to be told to do something several times before they actually do it. Men are terrible at multi-tasking. Men are not the best listeners during a 3 hour conversation about shopping or shoes. Men don’t remember the incredible amount of details you remember. And yes, men’s minds may appear to be hyperfocused on sex.
But do you know what men are good at?
Men are usually robust and straightforward. They are good at being a steady shoulder to cry on, instead of crying with you. They are good at focusing at one task at a time, perfecting it. They are good at making decisions and are seldom emotionally compromised. Men are often better listened to. Men often don’t worry as much. Yes, men want sex, but it doesn’t mean he’s a “pig.” Research actually shows that the more sex you give him, the more committed to you he becomes.3
Of course you want to have some similarities, you have to initially like each other. But feeling a bit “incompatible” or a bit “different” does not seem to be an appropriate reason for divorce or starting an affair, emotional or otherwise.
What if I told you that these “differences” you see in your mate can actually be good things? What if I told you these “differences” are so necessary because they are deeply rooted in the preservation of human life and the prosperity of the human race?
Scientists know that men and women are biologically and psychologically different. Evolutionary adaptations, in all species, show that gender differences contribute to a species’ survival. And like the survival of a marriage, males and females complement each other in remarkable ways. Where one lacks, the other makes up for.
Research conducted by Pamela Reagan, shows us that the romantic love is like a drug and starts to mellow over time. The brain spikes dopamine at incredible rates when experiencing romantic love. But then it begins to decrease over time. It’s natural. Its how the brain works. Getting swept up in the throes of romantic love is the easy part, the true test of commitment is learning to live together and accepting each other’s differences.
Sooner or later you won’t be idazed by infatuation, but must live by practical application.
You enjoy musicals, he enjoys sports. You like romantic comedies, he likes war films. You’re a better listener, he is a better decision maker. He’s really into sex, you’re really into “going out.” He always leaves the toilet seat up, you clutter the bathroom with hygiene products. No question your different. Perhaps the real question is, are you complementary?
Like the blades of pruning shears, you are a complementary pair. A pair that can work extremely well together.